LIBRARY OF CONGRESS^ 

i'nap..,,..,_ Copyright No. 



Shelf •_4-?^^<^/ 

UNITED STATES OF AM^f^ 



ORIGINAL POEMS 



AND 



SPICY LECTURES 



BY 



Yours Truly. 



/ r /-* 



d , ^k. y^-- ^ ' 



DD TPT? I ^^ ^^^' ^'^^ Paper Binding-. 

i JaILIj . 50 cts. for English Cloth Binding. 



Note. — If you have not already paid for this book, or wish to 
have another copy, please enclose stamps to A. W. Payne, Shadwell 
P. O., Albemarle Co., Va. 



TWO COPIES RECEIVED, 

Library of Congrfl«% 
Office of tha 

DEC 1 9 1&99 

Register of Copyright^ 






COPYRIGHT. 

A. W. PAYNE. 
1899. 



SECOND COPY, 






CONTENTS. 



Page. 

Dedication, - - -'- - - - - 5 

Preface No. i, -^------7 

A Badly Mixed Dream of the Keswick Hunt Club, 10 

To the Keswick Hunting Club, - - - - 22 

Preface No. 2, - - - 24 

The Dead Eagle, 26 

Preface No. 3, 28 

A Parody on Poe's Raven, - - - - - 30 

" The Destiny of Man," ------ 40 

"To Emma," 70 

Mary Without a Lamb, 72 

The Undertaker, - - - - - ~ - - 74 

Poor Bleeding Spain, - 76 

Why I Didn't Patent the Sausage-Grinder, - - 78 

German at the Club-House, ----- 81 

Our Republican Government, - - - - 85 

A Pilgrimage to Winnie's Tomb, - - - - 100 



DEDICATION. 



Reader! this book is dedicated to yon. If 
it raises a smile, drives care from your heart 
even for an hour, and makes yon better na- 
tnred, 

I AM CONTENT. 

If yon can write a worse book, don't yon 
do it; if yon can write a better one, do it 
quickly for the edification of 

Yours Truly. 



PREFACE No. i. 



Ladies and Gentlemen: 

When I tell you that I am suffering with 
Payne from head to foot, you will then be 
able to make some allowance for my short- 
comings, and not expect from me anything of 
much importance. You all know that I am 
unaccustomed to appear before an audience — 
and more especially one like this, which is 
composed of the elite and talent of the entire 
State. 

I shall Long remember your kindness, for 
asking one of the " Hewers of wood, and 
drawers of water " to contribute to your pres- 
ent stock of amusement — for which I expect 
no Money; neither do I ask for fame or glory, 
for as my old friend, John Falstaff, said on 
more than one occasion, it will neither set a 

leg, or mend an arm, and I'll have none of it. 
[7] 



8 

You may as well tell me that Black is white, 
or that you can Reed my thoughts in the 
Sands, or that Foxs do not live with Calves, 
or that R-u-f-f-i-n does not spell Randolph and 
that George Macon did not hug that girl 
whilst dancing the German, as to tell me that 
Jonah did not swallow the whale. 

I know you all to be honorable men and 
women, and I trust that you may remeini3er 
that dishonor would be a seal upon the tomb of 
Hope, by which, like some lost, sorrowing 
angel, sad memory would dwell evermore. 
Some of you have money to spare, some have 
beautiful faces, and some have pretty feathers 
in their hats, and the sweet perfume which 
often floats upon the breeze, causes me to 
think that the Fox is chasing a Musk-Rat 
through a field of new-mown hay. 

Others here have much wisdom, and may 
probably think that they are the main wheel 
in the machinery that revolves the universe, 
but when the clock of time shall run down and 



the angels shall cry, Holy, Holy, be the name 
of him who slew the lamb, and the silver cord 
is loosened, and the golden bowl is broken, 
then it will come to pass that the Shepherd's 
crook will lay beside the sceptre, and you will 
be required to give an account of the talents 
placed in your hands for a purpose. 

For myself, I would say, that I am not very 
anxious to cross that stream, as I do not swim, 
and they say it has a Shackel-ford. 

With your permission, I shall now proceed 
to unfold my dream of the Hunt Club, and 
since I am suffering with a Payne all over, 
in spots about the size of a blanket, I hope 
that that pin will not fall without being plainly 
heard. 

Yours Truly. 



A BADLY MIXED DREAM OF THE 
KESWICK HUNT CLUB. 



I had a dream, which was not all a dream; 

Methought that I was tossed upon 

The raging billows of the deep, 

With only a broken spar, and 

An old shoe 'twixt me and eternity. 

And that a mermaid clasped 

Its arms around my neck 

And carried me to the bottom of the sea. 

Oh ! what Payne it was to drown. 

I saw dismantled ships, horse fiddles, 

Crutches for lame ducks, and 

Cross-eyed spectacles, and 

Broken promises, and the 

Wild poet's lost reputation. 

And the bones of men and w^omen 

Lav scattered on the bottom of the deep; 

[lo] 



II 

And in their gaping skulls, 

Where once their eyes did dwell, 

Was now a mass of living things. 

A change came o'er the spirit of my dream 

The bands played and the bugle called. 

And I found myself at an animal show. 

I saw the great giaskutus, which 

Was discovered in the unexplored 

Regions of Africa — a thousand 

Miles beneath the surface of the earth. 

He had a thousand and one 

Stripes upon his back. 

Neither one of vvhich was 

Running in the same direction. 

A box of monkeys and the 

Cunning Fox were there; 

And I Early found that 

There was Money in the enterprise. 

P^or there was Purvis, with a whole 

Drove of Calves, and also a 

T-arge herd of " My Dear," with 

Several of a larger species that had 



12 

Strayed from a lodge of Elks. 

Mary and the lamb were there, 

And almost every fellow 

Carried a live duck upon his arm. 

And judging from the feathers 

Scattered around, there must have 

Been an aviary of uncommon birds. 

The innocent Musk-Rat had been 

Slaughtered for his perfume; 

So I did not see the cussed thinof. 

But smelled him, all the same. 

They had the smartest clown of the present 

day, 
Who said, " Ladies and gentlemen, walk this 

way, 
And I'll convince you that I am right, 
When I frankly tell you that Black is white." 
Another change came o'er my dream; 
I had crossed the treacherous Sands 
Of the desert in search of the 
Lake of " Como," and when I 
Stood upon its banks, 



13 

I could hear music from sweet lutes, 

And every breeze was laden 

With perfume of the orange grove, 

And murmurs of low fountains. 

As they gushed forth from 

Amidst a forest of cape jessamines, 

And blooming roses. 

Hankie blew his horn, 
And said, " follow me," if I 
Would invest my Money in the 
Dance — it was not the minuet or 
Highland fling, and when I 
Was informed that it was the 
" Dutchman " I at once concluded 
That I would take a back seat, 
Thinking that no one would find my retreat; 
And instead of hugging a girl, whilst whirling 

around. 
Would prefer doing that, while sitting down. 
I will bet you Money or any thing, 
That if at the door bell you ring; 
Then with your girl sit on the rug, 



H 

And with your arms around her hug and hug, 

That the old man will give your ear a box, 

And chase you around, just like a fox. 

I know one girl, whom a Button claims. 

Would set the house-top all in flames, 

And then would calmly draw her gun. 

And with flow of soul join in the fun. 

The boy who could not catch that Fox, I hear, 

Has captured him a lovely dear; 

But what will the little creature say, 

When you hug the girls both night and day? 

Behind the curtains a storm will rise, 

Much worse than any from the skies; 

Then if you do not lose your hair, 

A lucky dog, I'll think you are. 

You had better stop this thing, and I'll tell 

you why. 
The time may come, in the sweet bye and bye. 
When your darling may retaliate, 
And then to compromise 'twill be too late. 
And no balm in Gilead will be found 
To mend the breach or cure the wound. 



IS 

To honest Joe, I'll give a Long — farewell, 
Hope all your plans may turn out well; 
But in crossing- that stream, adown the road, 
Rememher, it has a Shackel-ford. 
And don't let that spry Fox catch your goose, 
For she might never let him loose, 
And then with fowl and Money gone, 
You'll wish that you had not been born. 
My dream is o'er, and if too much is said. 
With a Zephyr strike me on the head; 
For sink or swim, rise or fall, 
Fll meet you at the Dutchman's ball. 
And if you can Reed, as well as Right, 
And hwK' that all the Blacks are white; 
Fll journey towards another town. 
And hug my girl, whilst sitting down. 
For Fd rather be a spotted toad, 
Or drink my coffee from a gourd; 
Then, on the vapors of the dungeon live. 
Than to always take and never give — 
A gentle squeeze. 



i6 

But another and the last change came o'er 
the spirit of my dream. 
The bright sun was extinguished, and the 

stars 
Did wander darkhng in the eternal space, 
Rayless, and pathless, and the icy earth 
Swung blind and blackening in the moonless 

air; 
Morn came, and went, and came, and brought 

no day; 
And men forgot their passions, in the dread 
Of this, their desolation; and all, hearts 
Were chilled into a selfish prayer for light. 
And they did live by watch fires — and the 

thrones, 
The palaces of crowned kings — the huts, 
The habitations of all things which dwell. 
Were burnt for beacons; cities were consumed, 
And men were gathered round their blazing 

homes 
To look once more into each other's faces; 
Happy were those who dwelt within the eye 



17 

Of the volcanoes, and their mountain torch; 
A fearful hope was all the world contained; 
Forests were set on fire, but hour by hour 
They fell and faded, and the crackling trunks 
Extinguished with a crash and all was black. 
The brows of men, by the despairing light. 
Wore an unearthly aspect, as by fits 
The flashes fell upon them; some lay down 
And hid their eyes and wept, and some did 

rest 
Their chins upon their clinched hands and 

smiled. 
And others hurried to and fro and fed 
The funeral piles with fuel, and looked up 
With mad disquietude on the dull sky — 
The pall of a past world; and then again 
With curses cast them down upon the dust, 
And gnashed their teeth and howled. The wild 

birds shrieked. 
And, terrified, did flutter on the ground, 
And flap their useless wings; the wildest brutes 
Came tame and tremulous, and vipers crawled 



And twined themselves among the midtitude, 
Hissing, but stingless — they were slain for 

food; 
And War, which for a moment was no more, 
Did glut himself again — a meal was bought 
With blood, and each sate sullenly apart 
Gorging himself in gloom. No love was left, 
All earth was but one thought, and that was 

death, 
Immediate and inglorious, and the pang 
Of famine fed upon all entrails — men 
Died and their bones were tombless as their 

flesh; 
The meagre by the meagre were devoured. 
Even dogs assailed their masters, all save one, 
And he was faithful to the corpse, and kept 
The birds and beasts and famished men at bay. 
Till hunger clung them, or the dropping dead 
Lured their lank jaws; himself sought out no 

food. 
But with a piteous and perpetual moan. 
And quick, desolate cry, licking the hand 



19 

Which answered not with a caress — he died. 
The crowd was famished by degrees, but two 
Of an enormous city did survive, 
And they were enemies; they met beside 
The dying embers of an altar-place 
Where had been heaped a mass of holy things 
For an unholy usage; they raked up. 
And, shivering, scraped with their cold, skele- 
ton hands 
The feeble ashes, and their feeble breath 
Blew for a little life and made a flame 
Which was a mockery; then they lifted up 
Their eyes as it grew lighter, and beheld 
Each other's aspects — saw, and shrieked, and 

died — 
Unknowing whom he was upon whose brow 
Famine had written Fiend. The world was 

void, 
The populous and the powerful was a lump, 
Seasonless, herbless, treeless, manless, lifeless, 
A lump of death, a chaos of hard clay. 
The rivers, lakes, and ocean stood still. 



20 

And nothing stirred within their silent depths; 

Ships, sailorless, lay rotting on the sea, 

And their masts fell down piecemeal; as they 

dropped 
They slept on the abyss without a surge — 
The waves were dead; the tides were in their 

grave. 
The moon, their mistress, had expired before; 
The winds were withered in the stagnant air, 
And the clouds perished; Darkness had no 

need 
Of aid from them — she was the universe. 



I found these flowers on the rug, 
Which I intend to hug and hug; 
And if, at the ball, I'm on a lark, 
I'll squeeze you all till the Foxes bark. 
And then, if all the lights go out. 
You'll think a Mtisk-Raf is about; 
Or Maggie with her new-mown hay, 
Is either here or on the way. 



21 



She'll make you think that Black is white, 
Before the sun will show his light. 
Then slyly laughing in her sleeve, 
Will kindly tell you all to leave. 
But hearts that love like mine, forget not, 
Will be the same in weal or woe; 
And the star of Memory will set not, 
Whether she tells me to stay or go. 



TO THE KESWICK HUNTING CLUB. 

MUZZLE YOUR HOUNDS AND GO SLOW. 

Oh! give me some sequestered spot, 
Where men with clubs, will find me not. 
But let me at my dear " Retreat," 
Go swallow down corn bread and meat. 
Your building ought to be a Church, 
That Wharton, with a good long birch 
Might whip the Heathen of our land 
Into the ranks of '' Gideon's band." 

Oh ! give me some sequestered spot. 
Where Ruffin's hounds will chase me not; 
'Tis said the darn things sometimes bite, 
Unless you go up on a kite. 
Foxes, they say, are tricky things, 
And sometimes carry turkey wings; 
George ran one up and down the hill, 
But never yet could foot the bill. 

[22] 



23 

Oh ! give me some sequestered spot, 
Where tipsy men will find me not; 
But let their presence be a dream, 
Of handing around the cake and cream. 
Wheelbarrow races may be fun, 
And other foolish things are done; 
But after a storm there '11 be a calm. 
To greet dear Mary and the lamb. 

Oh! give me some sequestered spot. 
Where good, ripe apples do not rot; 
You should not leave your darling wife 
And risk the losing of your life. 
When I am Poet Laureate 
I'll write you up, from day to date, - 
When Thurman all the races beat. 
Report to me at my " Retreat." 

Yours Truly. 
Keswick, Va., July, i. 



PREFACE No. 2. 



There are, no doubt, some present who do 
not take any stock in Hunting Ckibs, and 
would rather hear of something else. And 
if thev have ever been fanned by the wino;s of 
the American Eagle, they would like to know 
what will be done with the carcass of the noble 
bird that lost his life by putting his foot into 
a trap which Agasta set for him in the Philip- 
pine Islands. 

Mr. Monroe told the bird that he must stay 
upon the American Continent, be satisfied 
with doing well, and let better alone. 

But Mr. Alger induced him to believe that 

he would be safe with General Miles and the 

whole of the American army, but you all now^ 

see what a great mistake was made. Mr. 

McKinley now proposes to give us in his stead 

a Fluvanna crow% if Mark Hanna has enough 
[24] 



25 

left of the twelve millions to buy one. But 
up there, they are all such spendthrifts that 
I cannot say how the affair will wind up. 
Mr. Cleveland left with them a hundred mil- 
lions, and I loaned them my fifty millions, 
and now it is all gone, and they are crying 
for more money, but I am hugely of the 
opinion that old Mc. will have to do as Abe 
Lincoln did — maul rails for his living, unless 
he can make money enough by swapping 
knives with the niggers. 

I imagine now, that I can see him watching 
and waiting for his nigger, whilst he is sitting 
on a curb-stone, smiling at a ten cent piece. 

Yours Truly. 



THE DEAD EAGLE. 



'Tis surely done — I saw it in my dreams, 
No more with hope or wealth the future 

beams; 
Our Uncle Sam has lost his ancient pride — 
For greed of gain the American Eagle died, 
And with him sleeps memorial days of yoje, 
Like the lost pleiads, gone forevermore. 

Most noble bird, how camest thou to die? 
Did lapsing years cause thee in dust to lie? 
Or, did some whirlwind on thy path descend, 
O'er rugged cliffs, and cause thy life to end? 
And is thy course, thy curbless freedom o'er, 
And art thou lost, and dead, forevermore? 

Bird of the sun, to thee was given 

To guard the noblest born of heaven, 

To hover in the sulphur smoke. 

And ward away the battle stroke, 

And freedom save 'mid cannon's roar; 

But now, alas! thou art no more! 
[26] 



27 

You should have told this for a fact 
That you lay bleeding for old Mc, 
Who trampled you, that he might ride, 
In triumph, o'er the troubled tide; 
Whilst Hanna buys for us a crow, 
That will caw for evermore. 

It was decreed by our Monroe 
That to foreign climes you should not go; 
But Alger said with many smiles, 
That you would be safe with General Miles, 
But in this he blundered, as before. 
And disgraced himself forcvcrmove. 

Like the green bay-tree, he reared his head, 
Defied the living, trampled the dead; 
But when the people came to know 
Who was their friend, and who their foe. 
They took him down, with head so sore, 
'Twill ache forevermore. 

Yours Truly. 



PREFACE No. 3. 



I am come to tell you of my disappointment 
in not being allowed the privilege of pulling 
the rag from the face of the immortal poet 
"Edgar Allen Poe ! " But 

" It was ever thus; from childhood's hour, 
Eve seen my fondest hopes decay; 
I never loved a tree or flower, 
But what 'twas first to fade away. 

" I never nursed a dear gazelle, 
To glad me with its soft black eye; 
But when it came to know me well. 
And lotw mc, it was sure to die." 

To make myself ready for this interesting 

event, I had become a midnight student o'er 

the dreams of Sages, and had manufactured a 

speech that would have reminded you of a 

hornet's nest, or some other masterpiece of 
[28] 



29 

mechanism. In fact, we had planned to hang 
our hat high upon the niche of fame, and in- 
tended to add another sprig of evergreen to 
the wreath which was placed around the urn, 
'' beneath which the nation mourns.'' But my 
eloquence has been lost to the present genera- 
tion, and will only be remembered as a thing 
that might have been. 

But I am going to get even with those 
French gentlemen, by writing a Parody on 
Mr. Poe's Raven, that will knock all the spots 
out of the original, and cause the patrons of 
home talent to pull tzvo rags from the face 
of my bust, when it is unveiled. 

Yours Truly. 



A PARODY ON POE'S RAVEN!! 

BY YOURS TRULY. 

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I had 

been drinking Port and Sherry, 
And mixing that with all the different brands 

that were in the store — 
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly 

there came a tapping, 
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my 

• chamber door. 
*' 'Tis some visitor," I muttered, '' tapping at 

my chamber door — 

Only this and nothing more." 

Ah, distinctly, I remember it was the wild poet 

on a bender, 
Who said, '' Neighbor, I am dying and would 

be laid upon the floor." 

Eagerly I bottled up his sorrows, and told him 

to call again to-morrow, 
[30] 



31 

Or I would shoot him with an arrow if he kept 

fooling after my Lenore — 
With the rare and radiant maiden whom the 

angels name Lenore — 

Nameless here forevermore. 

And the unpaid bills for rustling skirts and 

our new curtain 
Thrilled me — filled me with fantastic terrors 

never felt before; 
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, 

I stood repeating, 
" 'Tis some of^cer entreating entrance at my 

chamber door — 
Some constable entreating entrance at my 

chamber door — 

This it is and nothing more." 

Presently with drinks mixed stronger, hesi- 
tating then no longer, 

'' Sir," said I, '' or Madam, truly your for- 
giveness I implore; 



32 

But the fact is I was napping, and so gently 

you came rapping, 
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at 

my chamber door, 
That I scarce was sure I heard you." — here 

I opened wide the door — 

Darkness there and nothing more. 

Deep into the darkness peering, without a 
drink, I was wandering, fearing. 

Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever 
dared to dream before; 

When at last the silence was broken, and 
Philpots sent to me a token, 

Saying, " Will you take your oysters on the 
shell for your ' Lenore '? " 

This to me Philpots whispered, and I mur- 
mured " let her go " — 

Merely this and nothing more. ^^ 

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul 

within me burning, 
Soon again I heard a tapping, something 

louder than before. 



33 

Let me see, it was Armstrong with drinks who 

did implore 
More oysters on the shell for my dear 

" Lenore," 
Who said she'd take them stewed or fried or 

just as before — 

This it was and nothing- more. 

Open wide I flung the shutter, when, with 

many a flirt and flutter 
In there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly 

days of yore. 
Not the least obeisance made he, not a minute 

stopped or staid he, 
But Yours Truly says the darn thing was a 

crow — 
Perched upon the bust of Pallas just above 

the chamber door — 

Perched and sat and nothing more. 

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy 

into smiling-, 
By grave and stern decorum of the countc- 

^""ance it wore, 
3 



34 

I soon found out from my " Lenore " that 
she'd neither pet a raven or a crow, 

But said if I'd get for her a bird of Paradise, 
she would kiss me once or twice. 

And when I said to her as once before, why 
not to the Parson go — 

Quoth the Raven, " nevermore." 

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear 

discourse so plainly; 
But when Ballentine and Lawyer Hill said 

they'd set'm up and foot the bill, 
I forgot all about my bird, and called the 

'^ Elks " up in a herd. 
Who drank to the health of my " Lenore," 

whom we hugged at the German as before. 
When that bird or beast upon the sculptured 

bust above the chamber door — 

With such name as " Nevermore." 

But the raven, sitting lonely on that placid 

bust, spoke only 
That one word, as if his soul in that one word 

he did outpour 



35 

Sherry cobblers and all the drinks, that would 
knock from my cold the kinks. 

I offered him a zephyr and ten dollar bill, if 
he'd stop his noise, and keep right still 

And on the morrow he would leave me, as my 
hopes have flown before — 

Then the bird said " nevermore." 

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so 

aptly spoken, 
T asked Armstrong for a glass of beer, but as 

the Frenchman could not hear, 
Thought I'd ring up Philpots who would do 

as well, to send me oysters on the shell. 
For which the reader of this book must pay, 

and send me out of town to-day~; 
And if I should return no more, please take 

care of dear '' Lenore " — 

For I may see her '' nevermore." 

But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul 

into smiling, 
Straight I called for whiskey enough to drown 

the snakes that were in mv boots. 



36 

Then upon the velvet sinking, I betook my- 
self to linking 

Fancy into fancy, thinking what this ominous 
bird of yore — 

What this fool raven or a crow — this un- 
gainly bird of yore 

Meant in croaking " nevermore." 

Thus I sat engaged in guessing, but no sylla- 
ble expressing 

When Armstrong came rapping at the door, 
and said, '" Will you take something 
more? " 

Then Hayes walked in just like a swell, with 
more oysters on the shell. 

This and more I sat defining, with my head at 
ease reclining 

On the cushion's velvet lining with the lamp- 
light gloating o'er 

That sJic shall press, ah, nevermore ! 

Then, methought, the air grew denser, per- 
fumed from an unseen censer, 

Swung by Seraphim, whose foot-falls tinkled 
on the tufted floor. 



"Wretch," I cried, ''did Philpots send thee? — 
by those devils he hath sent thee — 

For what money I did owe, for feeding my 
half-starved '' Lenore." 

QuafT; oh, quafT, this kind nepenthe and for- 
get this lost " Lenore ! " 

Quoth the Raven, " nevermore." 

"Prophet," said I, "thing of evil! — prophet 

still, if bird or devil ! — 
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest 

tossed thee here ashore, 
I'd sooner see Hamlet or his ghost, with his 

best girl sitting on a post — 
And if things went from bad to worse, I'd 

'phone for Perley and his hearse; 
Is there — is there no balm in Gilead? Tell me, 

tell me, I implore ! " 

Quoth the Raven, " nevermore." 

" Prophet," said I, " thing of evil — prophet 

still, if bird or devil ! 
By that Heaven that bends above us — by that 

God we both adore — 



38 

I shall here promise my Lenore, that with 

devils I'll drink no more; 
But clasp a sainted maiden, whom the angels 

name Lenore — 
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the 

angels name Lenore." 

Quoth the Raven, " nevermore." 

" Be that word or sign of parting, bird or 

fiend ! " I shrieked, upstarting — 
" Get thee back into the tempest and the 

Night' s Plutonian shore ! 
Go thou with vehement muchness, and fool 

Ballentine or the Duchess, 
For no more of your Hes I will believe, whilst 

you're laughing in your sleeve; 
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take 

thy form from off my door." 

Quoth the Raven, " nevermore." 

And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting — 

still is sitting 
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above the 

chamber door; 



39 

I'd take my gun and shoot the demon, were 

it not that I am dreaming 
Of snakes and X-bones on the floor, which the 

lamp-Hght throws their shadows o'er, 
And my soul from out those shadows that He 

floating on the floor 

Shah be Hfted " nevermore." 

We'H bid farewell to Edgar Poe, and securely 

lock the outside door, 
And with voice as gentle as an infant's dream, 

we'll go and order more ice-cream 
From the " Kitchen," whose cook takes the 

rag, brush and all, this early in the fall — 
She'll give you broken promises fried in batter 

and tell you that it doesn't matter 
Whether you eat with impunity or a spoon, if 

you finish, get up and go. 

And let her see you " nevermore." 

Yours Truly. 
Retreat, October 24, 1899. 



"THE DESTINY OF MAN. 



Ladies and Gentlemen: 

It is my purpose on this occasion to make 
some remarks on the past, present and future 
destiny of the '' animal man." And whilst I 
could follow him, step by step, from the crea- 
tion of the world to the present day, I shall 
be compelled to scale the march of time and 
make long strides o'er its rugged field, in 
order that your patience may not be worn or 
trespassed upon. 

In the first place, we shall take you back to 
the time when the Almighty God brought into 
existence the living creatures which at the 
present time continue to occupy the earth 
upon which we live. After He had divided 
the light from the darkness, and gathered to- 
gether the waters, that dry land might appear, 

and placed lights in the firmament of the 
[40] 



41 

Heaven to give light upon the earth, He 
created the fishes of the sea, the fowls of the 
air, the beasts of the field, and everything that 
creepeth upon the face of the earth. With 
much satisfaction He looked upon His work 
and blessed it, saying be fruitful and multiply 
and replenish the earth. But on the morning 
of the sixth day He concluded to place a ruler 
over all these things and consequently deter- 
mined to create the " animal man " in His 
own image. And He said unto him multiply 
and replenish the earth and subdue it, and 
have dominion over the fowl of the air and 
over every living thing that moveth upon the 
earth, and God said, " Behold, I have given 
you every herb bearing seed wdiich is upon the 
face of the earth, and every tree, in which is 
the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall 
be for meat, and to every beast of the earth, 
and to every fowl of the air, and to everything 
that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is 
life, I have given every green herb for meat." 



42 

And the Lord God planted a garden east- 
ward in Eden; and there He put the animal 
whom He had formed. And out of the ground 
made the Lord God to grow every tree that is 
pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the 
tree of life also in the midst of the garden, 
and the tree of knowledge of good and evil. 
And the Lord God commanded the man, say- 
ing, " Of every tree of the garden thou mayest 
freely eat. But of the tree of the knowledge 
of good and evil thou shalt not eat of it; for 
in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shall 
surely die." And the Lord God caused a deep 
sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept; and He 
took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh 
instead thereof. And the rib which the Lord 
God had taken from man made the woman, 
and brought her unto the man. And Adam 
said. This is bone of my bones and flesh of my 
flesh; she shall be called woman, because she 
was taken out of man. Now the serpent was 
more subtle than any beast of the field which 



43 

the Lord God had made. And he said unto 
the woman, Yea, hath God said. Ye shall not 
eat of every tree of the garden? And the wo- 
man said unto the serpent, We may eat of the 
fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the 
garden, God hath said. Ye shall not eat of it, 
neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die. And the 
serpent said unto the woman. Ye shall not 
surely die; for God doth know that in the day 
ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, 
and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and 
evil. And when the woman saw that the tree 
zvas good for food, and that it was pleasant 
to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make 
one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and 
did eat, and gave also unto her husband with 
her; and he did eat. And the eyes of them 
were both opened. And they heard the voice 
of the Lord God walking in the garden in the 
cool of the day; and Adam and his wife hid 
themselves from the presence of the Lord God 
amongst the trees of the garden. And He said 



44 

unto the woman, What is this that thou hast 
done? And the woman said, The serpent be- 
guiled me and I did eat. And the Lord God 
said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done 
this thou art cursed above all cattle, and above 
every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt 
thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days 
of thy life. Unto the woman He said, I will 
greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy concep- 
tion; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children, 
and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he 
shall rule over thee. And unto Adam He said, 
Because thou has barkened unto the voice of 
thy wife and has eaten of the tree of which I 
commanded thee, saying, thou shalt not eat of 
it; cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow 
shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; 
in the sweat of thy face salt thou eat bread, 
until thou return unto the ground; for out of 
it was thou taken; for dust thou art, and unto 
dust shall thou return. 

Thus it was from the commencement of 



45 

humanity to the present time that the destiny 
of man has been marked out by an all-wise 
and ever-present God. And I hope to shew 
you upon this occasion that the impartial 
Judge who sat upon the white throne in the 
Garden of Eden still reigns supreme, not only 
watching o'er the destinies of man, but of the 
universe. And when the clock of time shall 
run down, and the angels shall cry. Holy, holy 
be the name of Him who slew the lamb, you 
will still find Him there, meting out justice 
to the fallen animal man. 

From the Book of Books we learn that the 
offspring of Adam were at enmity one with 
the other, which culminated in the death of 
Abel. And when the voice of his blood cried 
from the ground the avenging angel marked 
out Jiis future destiny, which told him that 
when he tilled the ground it should not hence- 
forth yield unto him her strength; and that 
in future he should be a fugitive and vagabond 
in the earth. And the Lord set a mark upon 



46 

Cain, and he went out from the presence of 
the Lord and dweU in the land of Nod, on 
the east of Eden, where we will for a time 
leave him with 

" No one to love, none to caress, 
Roaming alone through this world's wilder- 
ness; 
Sad was his heart, joy was unknown, 
For in his sorrow he was weeping alone — 
No gentle voice, no tender smile. 
Made him rejoice, or his cares beguiic." 

We shall for the present leave behind us the 
generations born during the Antediluvian 
epoch, that we may introduce you to Noah 
and his family, whom we find upon the eve of 
entering the ark. When the Almighty God 
saw that the wickedness of man was great in 
the earth. He repented that he had made the 
animal, and said, I will destroy man whom I 
have created from the face of the earth; both 
man and beast and the creeping thing, and the 



47 

fowls of the air; for it repenteth Me that I have 
made them. 

But Noah found grace in the eyes of the 
Lord, who said unto him, Go, make thee an 
ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make 
in the ark, and shall pitch it within and with- 
out with pitch, and the door of the ark shalt 
thou set in the side thereof; with lower, 
second, and third stories shalt thou make it. 

And, behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of 
waters upon the earth to destroy all flesh, 
wherein is the breath of life, from under 
Heaven; and everything that is in the earth 
shall die. 

But with thee will I establish my covenant; 
and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and 
thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons' wives 
with thee. And of every living thing of all 
flesh, two of every soi't shalt thou bring into 
the ark to keep them alive with thee; they shall 
be male and female. Of the fowls after their 
kind, and of cattle after their kind; of every 



48 

creeping thing- of the earth after his kind; two 
of every sort shall come unto thee to keep them 
alive. And thus did Noah, in accordance with 
the command of God. 

And in the six hundredth year of Noah's life, 
in the second month, the seventeenth day of 
the month, the same day were all the fountains 
of the great deep broken up, and the windows 
of Heaven were opened. And the rain was 
upon the earth forty days and forty nights. 
And the flood was forty days upon the earth; 
and the waters increased, and bare up the ark, 
and it was lifted up above the earth. And the 
waters prevailed, and were increased greatly 
upon the earth; and the ark went upon the 
face of the waters. And the waters prevailed 
exceedingly upon the earth; and all the high 
hills, that were under the whole Heaven were 
covered. And all flesh died that moved upon 
the earth, both of fowl and of cattle, and of 
beast, and of every creeping thing that creep- 
eth upon the earth, and every man. All in 



49 

whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all 
that was in the dry land, died. And every 
living substance was destroyed which was 
upon the face of the ground, both man and 
cattle and the creeping things and the fowl of 
the Heaven, and they were destroyed from the 
earth. And Noah only remained alive, and 
they that zvere with him in the ark. And the 
waters prevailed upon the earth a hundred 
and fifty days. And after the end of the hun- 
dred and fifty days the waters were abated, 
and the ark rested in the seventh month, on 
the seventh day of the month, upon the moun- 
tains of Ararat. And the waters decreased 
continually until the tenth month, on the first 
day of the month, the tops of the mountains 
were seen. 

At the end of forty days Noah opened the 
window of the ark, which he had made; and 
he sent forth a raven, which went forth to and 
fro, until the waters were dried up from off the 
earth. He stayed yet another seven days; and 
4 



50 

again he sent forth the dove out of the ark, 
and the dove came in to him in the evening, 
and, lo ! in her mouth was an ohve leaf plucked 
ofif; so Noah knew that the waters were abated 
from ofif the earth, and he stayed yet another 
seven days, and sent forth the dove, which 
returned not again unto him any more. And 
Noah removed the covering of the ark, and 
looked, and, behold, the face of the ground 
was dry. 

And God spake unto Noah, saying, Go 
forth of the ark, thou and thy wife and thy 
sons and thy sons' wives with thee. Bring 
forth with thee every living thing that is with 
thee, of all flesh, both of fowl and of cattle, and 
of every creeping thing that creepeth upon 
the earth, that they may breed abundantly on 
the earth and be fruitful and multiply upon the 
earth. And Noah went forth and builded an 
altar unto the Lord; and took of every clean 
beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered 
burnt offerings on the altar. And the Lord 



51 

smelt a sweet savor, and He said in His 
heart, I will not again curse the ground any 
more for man's sake; for the imagination of 
man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will 
I again smite any more everything living, as 
I have done. But while the earth remaineth, 
seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and 
winter and summer, and day and night, shall 
not cease. 

And God blessed Noah and his sons, and 
said unto them, Be fruitful and multiply, and 
replenish the earth, and surely your blood of 
your lives will I require; at the hand of every 
beast will I require it, and at the hand of man; 
at the hand of every man's brother wHl I re- 
quire the life of man. Whoso sheddeth man's 
blood, by man shall his blood be shed; for in 
the image of God made He man. And God 
spake unto Noah, saying, that He would es- 
tablish His covenant with him, and that all 
flesh should not be cut off any more by the 
waters of a flood, neither should there be any 



52 

more a flood to destroy the earth. And God 
said, This is the token of the Covenant which 
I make between Me and you, and every living 
creature that is with you, for perpetual gene- 
rations. I do set My bow in the cloud, 
and it shall be for a token of a covenant be- 
tween Me and the earth; and it shall come to 
pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that 
the bow shall be seen in the cloud; and I will 
remember My covenant, which is between Me 
and you and every living creature of all flesh. 
And Noah lived after the flood three hundred 
and fifty years, and all the days of Noah were 
nine hundred and fifty years; and he died, but 
before doing so he cursed Canaan, and said 
unto him, that he should in the future be a 
servant of servants unto his brethren. 

Thus it is, that we follow the destinies of the 
animal from the Garden of Eden to his en- 
trance in the ark; and from thence to the 
death of Noah; and we still find that the im- 
mutable decrees of an all-wise Providence not 



53 

only follow him through life, but when he has 
shufBed ofif this mortal coil. Yea! when the 
silver cord is loosened and the golden bowl is 
broken, and the shepherd's crook is laid beside 
the sceptre, even then we will follow his im- 
mortal soul to its final resting place, in that 
eternal world to which we are all slowly but 
surely drifting on. And though destiny has 
placed him in the New Jerusalem, at the right 
hand of God, or in the eternal depths of the 
lower regions, where there shall be zvecping 
and zvailing and gnashing of teeth; it is here 
that we find the beginning of the end, of which 
110 man knoweth. 

With many thanks to you for your- marked 
attention upon this occasion, I shall conclude 
my remarks by saying that the subject which 
we have so imperfectly handled to-night is of 
such vast importance that I shall be compelled 
to divide the same into three or four lectures, 
all of which you may expect to be delivered in 
this hall. And I would here remark that T 



54 

am not doing this thing for the sake of money. 
I make my bread by the sweat of my brow. 
The small charge Imake is to defray my ex- 
penses and keep out those who would create a 
disturbance in any well-regulated family. But 
before closing my remarks I shall leave with 
you a subject for consideration, and I most 
earnestly request of those young gentlemen 
who are members of the Ash-Cake Society 
that they make it a question for discussion at 
one of their future meetings — "Are We 
Descendants of Adam or of Noah? " 

I claim that the Noahtic flood wound up 
the Antediluvian epoch, and we have no right 
to go back beyond that time for the chrono- 
logical record of our ancestors. 



On the present occasion I am here to do 
what I can towards showing you that the 
destiny of the animal man has been marked out 
by an all-wise Providence, who created him 



55 

for a purpose best known to himself. But in 
order to more fully carry out my plans I have 
taken you back to the day he was created in 
the Garden of Eden (beneath the shade of an 
olive tree), and from thence to the Noahtic 
flood. We will continue to follow him, step 
by step, through the Dark Ages, prior to the 
birth of our Saviour, whom destiny caused to 
be cradled in a horse-trough. And I would 
here remark that it was a most fortunate thing 
for generations then unborn that Valentine's 
nmle was not there on that occasion; for if 
such had have been the case the world would 
have lost its Saviour. 

We shall then continue to follow him 
through the rise and fall of empires, where the 
shepherd's crook was in the end laid beside the 
sceptre. And when, in our meandering journey 
o'er the chequered pathway of life, we finally 
bring you to the present time. We will then 
take a bird's-eye view of the present actors 
upon the stage, and endeavor to show you 



S6 

that In the great drama of life we still have 
Shylocks, Mr. Micawbers, and Paulines, but 
no Joan of Arcs are to be found. 

I shall, for example, take the past life of him 
who now stands before you as an orator (or 
crank, as Gitteau would term him, were he 
living), after which you may, or can, draw 
your own conclusions as to the soundness of 
the doctrine which I shall promulgate on this 
important occasion. 

In the nineteeenth place, firstly, we would 
here remark that I am the offspring of poor, 
but honest parents, whose bones now rest be- 
neath the sod, whilst their immortal souls pre- 
amhulate the streets of the New Jerusalem, 
where, '' when the clock of time has run down, 
the angels will continue to cry. Holy, holy, be 
the name of Him who slew the lamb." 

I have no chronological table of my illus- 
trious ancestors, but was told by Cousin Sally 
Dillard that we descended from Old Man 
Noah and are distantly related to Alexander 



57 

the Great, Napoleon Bonaparte, Queen Vic- 
toria, George Washington, Ben Butler, Wil- 
liam Mahone, and Bob Ingersoll. But since 
I take the position that every tub should stand 
upon its own bottom, I sincerely hope that 
you all will not be so uncharitable as to hold 
Me responsible for the spoons or tears which 
our bleeding country has offered up in her 
vain endeavors to satisfy these avaricious rela- 
tives of mine, whom I sometimes wish were 

in an empty dry-goods box, with two 

dozen raw oysters on the half-shell. 

At the age of fourteen, with what little book 
learning I had acquired at an old-field school, 
I went forth to battle with the world, the flesh 
and the devil. For six long years in the town 
of Charlottesville I managed, by strict 
economy and close attention to business, to 
give satisfaction to my employers and supply 
myself honestly with the necessaries of life, in- 
cluding a plate of raw oysters every now and 
then — if not oftener — on special occasions. 



58 

After this I bid farewell to home, friends, 
and everything else then near and dear unto 
me. During my absence of eight long check- 
ered years I travelled pretty much over the 
American Continent, besides Mexico, Sand- 
wich Islands, Cuba, and the historic county 
of Fluvanna. Being a close observer, I saw 
much of the world, and had many hair-breadth 
escapes, a few of which I shall allude to, in 
order to fully satisfy you that my destiny is, 
was and has been so plainly marked out that 
a blind man or a mule ought to see the place 
without the slightest difficulty. 

In the first place, after sojourning a few 
days with the President and counting over all 
the specie in the Treasury, I find myself (like 
a big catfish) floundering in the waters of the 
Mississippi, where our boat had gone to the 
bottom. How was it, that I did not, like others, 
give up the ghost and find a watery grave? 
It was that some guardian angel watched o'er 
me. 



59 

For two long and eventful years I turned 
myself loose amongst the wild Indians of the 
plains, and with nineteen different tribes I 
temporarily made my home. Even there my 
guardian angel followed me; and when at 
night I would lay me down to rest upon the 
cold earth with nothing but the blue canopy 
of Heaven as a covering I was, as a general 
thing, lulled to sleep by the howling of the 
wolf and the unearthly cries of the hyena — that 
were offering up their requiem o'er the dead 
carcass of some unfortunate fellow-being. 
How was it, that under these circumstances I 
slept soundly, and had pleasant dreams of 
those I left behind me? It was another in- 
stance of destiny, in which the hand of an all- 
wise Providence had more or less to do. 

I shall, '' however," (in order to progress on 
my journey towards the substance of our dis- 
course), pass over five eventful years spent 
upon the Pacific coast, during which time we 
passed through the reien of terror in which I 



6o 

ofttimes escaped with my life, whilst others fell 
around me, as grass before the blade — of 
course, you all know what the Book says about 
these things — it is that " man ,born of woman, 
is of but few days and full of trouble; he 
springeth up like the hoppergrass and is cut 
down like the sparrozv-grass.'' 

At length I turned my face homeward and 
whilst the brow of our ocean steamer was 
ploughing her way through the waters of the 
Pacific her main shaft was broken, and she 
drifted into the troughs of the sea, which 
placed us at the mercy of the waves (which at 
the time were running mountain high). We 
all expected momentarily to be engulfed, and 
there and then to settle our accounts with the 
washerwoman, which would have been the 
inevitable result but that He who rules the 
universe and marks out the destiny of man 
had otherwise decreed. 

Whilst crossing the Carribean Sea the 
storm was of such violence that the breakers 



6i 

ran over the deck of our vessel, and washed 
overboard many of the sailors, including the 
pet monkey, which was entrusted to my care 
by the King of the Kanacka's as a present for 
Cousin Sally Dillard. The loss of the monkey, 
'' however," was but a small item, when com- 
pared with the presentation speech I had all 
cut and dried, which, as a matter of course, 
was lost to the American press. We finally 
weathered the storm, and in the course of time 
we accomplished this voyage of five thousand 
miles and safely reached our destination in the 
metropoHs of these United States of America. 
But let me here tell you of a something that 
happened to us two weeks prior to this voyage 
which will add another link to the chain of 
evidence I am forging here to-night. I had 
engaged passage on the steamer which lef* 
two weeks previous to the one on which ] 
came; but for reasons I deem unnecessary to 
give, I did not ship upon that steamer, but 
laid over in the city of San Francisco until the 



62 

departure of the next. Had I gone, as at 
first intended, we would have made connec- 
tion with the steamer at Aspinwall com- 
manded by Captain Hurndon (the father of 
the President's deceased wife, and great-uncle 
of Mrs. Alonza Payne), which was lost off 
Cape Hatteras in 1800 — and fast asleep. 

Do you not here see another instance 
wherein my destiny becomes a fixed fact, 
against which the raging billows of the briny 
deep, the wild beast of the forest, and the 
scalping-knife of the treacherous Indian has 
thus far most signally failed to change the 
decrees of an all-wise Providence? 

For four long and eventful years we fought, 
died, and bled for our country — and for Wilkes 
BootKs foolhardy indiscretion — during which 
time the flower of our land was swept away, 
whilst I was left standing, like unto a weep- 
ing willow, or any other man. 

Was this not an additional instance of 



6,3 

destiny, wherein some guardian angel watched 
o'er me? 

This, however, I consider but a small mat- 
ter, when compared with the wonderful escape 
we made the year following the surrender, 
the particulars of which I shall here pro- 
ceed to elucidate. On my return to Albemarle 
after the surrender of Johnson's Division of 
the army at Raleigh, N. C, I found that a 
regular organized system of thieving was be- 
ing carried on in my immediate neighborhood. 
I concluded to have a little fun (which I 
couldn't live without) by putting a stop to this 
thing, and, with the assistance of our faithful 
dogs, " Sir Walter Scott " and " Lord Byron," 
and the free use of our Arkansas toothpick, we 
succeeded beyond our expectations. 

I, of course, became a thorn in the lion's foot 
of those who were engaged in this profitable 
occupation; and they determined right there 
and then to get rid of me, at all hazards. 

In ninetv-nine cases out of a hundred the 



64 

deep-laid plot would have succeeded, but in 
this instance, I yet remain a living monument, 
in the hands of an all-wise and ever merciful 
God, who had so ordained that my life should 
be spared yet a little while longer. And, in 
addition to this act of kindness, He granted 
me the power of performing one of the most 
wonderful miracles ever placed upon the rec- 
ords, which I will explain to you all when I 
shall have exposed the deep-laid plot which 
came so near placing my bones beside those of 
Madame Surratt, where they would now be 
mouldering into dust had it not been that my 
guardian angel still hovered o'er me. 

But to come to the point, I will here say 
I was charged with the murder of an un- 
bleached gentleman of African descent, for 
which I was arrested and tried for my life in 
the town of Charlottesville, with the liberal 
promise, made by your Yankee Provost-Mar- 
shal " Joyce " that if I was acquitted by the 
civil authorities my case would be taken in 



65 

hand by the miUtary, and that I should have 
the honor of being tried in the great city of 
Washington. These things made me happy, 
but looked somewhat gloomy to my friends, 
whose prayers, like burning incense, were as- 
cending for my safe delivery. But with me 
there was not the shadow of a doubt enter- 
tained, contrary to my abiding faith, in the 
power of Him who rules the destiny of man 
and caused me to believe that true innocence 
would make false accusation blush and scandal 
tremble at her feet. 

When in charge of the Sheriff I was 
marched into the court-house for trial. I 
found four witnesses arrayed in their frills cr la 
Polly Fergersons, and looking as though 
they could swallow me whole. They were put 
upon the stand, and, with one hand upon the 
Holy Bible, they did swear to tell the truth, 
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. 

One of them testified that at daybreak on 
a certain occasion I came home with my large 
5 



66 

black dog, " Sir Walter Scott/' literally 
covered with blood, and that she overheard 
me tell my sister that I had killed the boy 
Albert and thrown him into the river. Two 
others said that they saw the place where I 
had done the bloody deed, and dragged the 
dead carcass into the Rivanna; and another 
one swore positively that he saw^ the body 
floating on the surface of the water, from 
whence it was taken by him and some others, 
and buried near the residence of Old Man 
Tom Garland's. 

The evidence, as you will at once see, was 
sufBcient to have hung me higher than Haa- 
man, more especially as it came from the bone 
of contention over which so many lives had 
been sacrificed. I had on this occasion no 
evidence to offer in my behalf, and was 
granted a continuance of the case, that I 
might look around and see if there was no 
straw left to which I might cling as the wo- 
man did who was drowned by her cruel hus- 



67 

band for the unpardonable offence of exclaim- 
ing " Scissors.'' 

I was fully satisfied that this dead negro of 
mine had taken passage upon the under- 
ground railroad, and that my only chance of 
saving the expense of a funeral was to go for 
him. It was an exciting chase and created a 
greater sensation than Captain Teel's pack of 
hounds would have done after a gyaskutus. 
I deem it unnecessary to give you the full 
particulars of this race for life, and would most 
respectfully refer you to Cousin Sally Dillard, 
who was present on the occasion, and will read 
it off to you as though it were in a book. 

When my case came up again for trial I 
produced the negro (or his ghost) and 
marched him into the court-house a living 
witness in my behalf, which not only saved the 
expense of a hempen cord and a pine cofBn, 
but more fully demonstrated the fact that I 
could bring a nigger to life some thirty days 
after I had killed him, which you all know is 



68 

more than was ever done by Christ himself. 
For, if my memory does not fail me on this 
important occasion, the longest case of sus- 
pended animation recorded in the Book of 
Books, wherein He displayed His power as a 
resurrectionist, was only of three days' dura- 
tion, and since I am the only one of His illus- 
trious predecessors of the present day and 
generation who has performed this wonderful 
feat, I am not at all surprised to find that there 
are some persons now living upon the Ameri- 
can Continent who will ever consider me one 

of the greatest Inmibugs of the Iron Age. 

One more instance of the power and wis- 
dom of an Almighty God and I will then con- 
clude my remarks. I allude to the fact that 
during my travels upon the American Conti- 
nent (which was of eight years' duration) I 
have mingled with every grade of society — 
from Miss Polly Fergerson, with her frills and 
flounces, to the untutored Indian squaw, who 
was happy and contented, with but one rabbit 



69 

skin as an outfit for her bridal trousseau. I 
could have, with some fair maids of the Mon- 
tezumas or daughters of the millionaire, 
formed an alliance which would have placed 
me beyond the possibility of wanting for the 
things of this world. But what was most 
passing strange, I departed from the general 
rule of making money our god and selected 
from amongst the hewers of wood and 
drawers of water a companion for life, whose 
name I found as pure and virgin as any bride 
ever bore, bathed in blushes from the 
hymeneal altar, upon which dishonor would be 
a seal upon the tomb of Hope, by which, like 
some lost, sorrowing angel, sad memory would 
dwell evermore. 



"TO EMMA.' 



Sweet girl, though seldom we have met, 
Those meetings I shall ne'er forget; 
I will not say I love — but still, 
My senses struggle with the will. 
In vain I'd drive thee from my breast, 
But my heart is more and more repressed. 

Your lovely hair, like threads of gold, 

Has cast a halo around my soul, 

And your sweet smiles, as bright as day, 

Have chased all my gloom away. 

And if I could steal from you a kiss 

'Twould add a mountain to my bliss. 

Maybe you have not learned to love 

Or coo, just like a turtle dove; 

But Cupid, with his bow and dart. 

Will leave with you a bleeding heart. 

And then, when no one is about. 

Say, " Does your mother know you're out? " 
[70] 



71 

The time will come in the sweet by and bye, 
You'll cause some broken heart to cry, 
Cut loose from mother's apron strings 
And fly to him on lover's wings; 
Change your name and change your life. 
And be to him a " darling wife.'' 

I predict for you a useful life — 

Let it be mother, maid or wife; 

For the precepts taught you whilst at home 

Will follow you where'er you roam. 

And when I'm planted in the ground 

You'll scatter roses all around, 

And say, I once was his sweetheart. 
But the best of friends will have to part; _ 
And when you pass beside my grave 
You'll shed a tear and say he gave 
His wretched life to win your love. 
And then was slaughtered like a dove. 

Yours Truly. 



MARY WITHOUT A LAMB. 



Our best girl has a level head, 
And says the cranks are not all dead; 
No matter who they say I am, 
Dear Mary, let me be your lamb. 

For now the blasts are getting cold, 
And I myself am growing old; 
Fearing the winds may never calm, 
Kind Mary, let me be your lamb. 

I'll follow you at any gait. 
Rise quite early and travel late; 
Nor will I butt your Uncle Sam, 
Good Mary, let me be your lamb. 

We'll ramble o'er the hills and dale, 

And feed ourselves on mother's kale; 

Then we'll come home and take a dram, 

Dear Mary, may I be your lamb? 
[72] 



7Z 

Well, since my plea you do decline, 
Like other sheep, their doom is mine; 
And when you stew me in the pan. 
Tell who it was that slezv the lamb. 

Since never more your lamb will bleat, 
Or pay the penalty of fate. 
Go settle with the Great I Am 
For slaying this poor little lamb. 

Yours Truly. 



THE UNDERTAKER. 



Oh, give me some sequestered spot, 
Where Perley's hearse will find me not; 
It totes your neighbors all around, 
Then safely plants them in the ground." 

Perley must live in a case of steel, 
Or else, he don't know how to feel, 
For he'll eat his 'possum all the while 
And crack a joke to make you smile. 

Oh, I am ofttimes feeling badly 
And miss my old associates sadly, 
But I find nowhere around, 
For Jim has put them in the ground. 

Now can't he stop awhile and think 

That whilst the skull and X-bones at you wink 

The time will come, in the sweet bye and bye, 

That the Reaper will say, if not, why? 
[74] 



75 

Then we'll plant you safely in the ground, 

And scatter roses all around, 

Hoping that in a better land 

You'll join the ranks of Gideon's band. 

Yours Truly. 



POOR BLEEDING SPAIN. 



Poor bleeding Spain, what have you done 
With your bull-fights and other fun? 
It seems you cry for larger game, 
And we are giving you the same. 

But I am thinking you will find 
This fun of a different kind; 
You will not only lose your gown, 
But all the jewels in your crown. 

And then there'll be a fallen throne. 
O'er which your baby King will mourn; 
And see a pole of Libertee 
Beside the fallen Spanish tree. 

With your war-ships and seamen brave 

You fought us on the ocean wave; 

But there was Schley, with many guns, 

To wipe out all your mother's sons. 
[76] 



17 

You then behind your breastworks came 
And fought 'til all your men were lame; 
And when you built a barbed-wire fence 
You found that Yankees had some sense. 

With wire-clippers they tumbled through, 
To show you what our men can do; 
And I wish we all may be drot 
If they left of you a greasy spot. 

Poor, deluded fools, can't you see. 
Or have you been stung by a bee? 
You are fooling your time away 
To play this game from day to day. 

Go, tell the w^orld that you are done, 
For your Blanco now cannot run; 
And time only awaits the fall 
Of all your strongholds, great and small. 

Yours Truly. 
Retreat, July lo, 1898. 



WHY I DIDN'T PATENT THE SAU- 
SAGE-GRINDER. 



How strange it is that myself and Cousin 
Sally are always having contentions. She 
thinks that she know^s more than I do about 
everything, and I claim that zi'liat I do under- 
stand I know as well as she or any other man 
ever did. And there is one thing I can tell 
you, and don't you forget it — that if 
she induces me to put aside this MSS, the 
American people will lose one of the most 
remarkable books that was ever published. 

She claims that I am traveling too slowly 
along the pathway to wealth, and that her 
gown will become threadbare before I am able 
to purchase her another Polly Fergerson or 
frill for the same, unless I put aside this his- 
tory of events and look to the Patent Office 

for help. It is true I have . in the old barn 
[78] 



79 

loft another model manufactured by my in- 
ventive genius which I might bring to the 
front if I could be convinced by her that there 
was any money in it. 

It is a pocket sans age-mill, by the use of 
which the aged individual does away with the 
necessity of paying for a new set of grinders. 
It would cost me five hundred dollars to get 
out letters patent for the invention, and, from 
a mathematical calculation which I have made 
of the number of persons who would probably 
invest their money in the machine, I have 
unanimously come to the conclusion that 
three hundred and seventy-five dollars would 
be just about my profits on the machines, 
which would be sold during my life-time, and, 
this added to the expense of procuring the 
patent, would be eight hundred and seventy- 
five dollars. 

As a matter of course, this would interfere 
with the livelihood of the dentists residing in 
the State of Fluvanna, who have already of- 



8o 

fered to raise a purse of three hundred and 
eighty dollars if I will not give the dear people 
the benefit of my invention, which would at 
once bring down the price of teeth. 

Now, if I accept this proposition I will make 
by the operation three hundred and eighty 
dollars, clear money, and if I succeed (which 
is a matter of doubt) in untying all the red 
tape in the Patent Office I would lose one 
hundred and twenty-five dollars. Such being 
the case, I feel duty bound to let Cousin Sally's 
advice go to the devil, and continue, as at first 
intended, to travel the rugged path of litera- 
ture. 

I shall therefore bring to the surface (as 
promised in Preface No. i) a few more of 
those poems which have for years been lost 
to the natives of Fluvanna. 

Yours Truly. 



GERMAN AT THE CLUB-HOUSE. 



Cousin Sal and I once on the sly 
Thought we would take the german in; 
We climbed a tree outside, near by, 
Now do you think it was a sin? 

If so, you strike me with a club, 
And then I'll wish that I w^as dead; 
But after death there comes the rub. 
Must I, like poor John, lose my head? 

Twelve watchful chaperons, there were, 
With many jewels in their hair; 
And they all had on lovely clothes, 
With all the fragrance of the rose. 

In fact, I thought of new-mown hay. 

When one girl came on, by the way; 

But then your musk, without the rat, 

Smothered out all this and that. 
6 [8i] 



82 

Here comes the music and the dance, 
And all things seem to be a trance; 
They are not led by modest Joe, 
Because that girl trod on his toe. 

But Ruffin, like a little swell, 

Totes the thing along mighty well; 

In fact I heard him loudly call, 

Go, hang your darned hats on the wall." 

And when they all went in a whirl, 
With arms around his lovely girl, 
The chaperons said, if you please. 
Go in, lemons, but don't get squeezed. 

I wonder who will foot the bills 
Of all the dowdy, lace and frills 
That were crushed against the wall 
Whilst dancing at this Dutchman's ball? 

Were present fat men, with the gout. 
Whose mothers didn't know they were out; 
But thought they'd slyly take a chance, 
And try their lame foot at the dance. 



83 

The belles were all from nineteen States, 
And one clear girl had crossed the Straits, 
To play the Keswick Hunting Club 
A game of euchre or the rub. 

Now, it is done; I will not tell 
Who reigned as your lovely belle; 
The other girls would pull my hair 
If I would say they were not there. 

You had with you Foxes, Calves and Deer, 
And tables filled with best of cheer. 
At which you all could take a chance, 
And pay the fiddler when you dance. 

Well, now I guess I will come down. 
If Macon will but hold that hound; 
For it w^ould be a cross-eyed sight 
If me and Cousin Sal he'd bite. 

When I again you come to see. 
Must I go in or climb that tree? 
Best hang your banner on the wall, 
And send me a ticket to the ball 



84 

Could dance for you the Highland fling, 
Or almost any other thing; 
And just before the day shall break 
Help wind things up on cream and cake. 

Yours Truly. 



OUR REPUBLICAN GOVERNMENT. 



For more than a hundred years our country 
has filled the astonished vision of mankind 
with the most marvellous experiment yet at- 
tempted in human government. Though 
here, as in every civilized community, are met 
all the evil tendencies of humanity which war 
against the good, yet here, as nowhere else 
beneath the circuit of the suns, are met the 
supremest examples of personal and political 
liberty, and that a sweet and tender security 
of household peace which is equalled by noth- 
ing on this earth and can be excelled only by 
that which passeth understanding. 

Thus through the storms and sunshine of 
a century the experiment of our government 
has prevailed. It is fashioned in the wisdom 
of the fathers; it has been sealed and, we trust, 
strengthened in the blood of her sons, and it 



86 

has rested through the years upon the integ- 
rity of its people and their faith in its mission 
to keep men free. Yet the most adroit phrase- 
monger who ever glorified its flag could 
hardly attempt to maintain that its Constitu- 
tion remains to-day the thing its framers made 
it — the most exquisite structure ever con- 
ceived in human thought or reared by human 
endeavor. As fashioned by those immortal 
architects it was the fairest temple ever con- 
secrated to freedom, but by the. hand of the 
sophist the veil of the temple has been rent in 
twain, and by the feet of the partisan and de- 
spoiler its holy of holies has been desecrated. 
The framers of the Constitution not only 
recognized as distinctly as possible that every 
attribute of sovereignty not surrendered to 
the Federal pact was reserved to the States 
creating it, but they emphasized that recogni- 
tion by allowing the Federal organization to 
be controlled by the electoral restrictions of 
those States, all of which were a peremptory 



87 



denial of universal suffrage. But the most 
precious of the rights reserved were denied 
until with the argument of bayonet and can- 
non their discussion was closed forever; and 
every barrier that a marvellous prescience has 
caused to be built around the suffrage has 
been overthrown until the Goths and Vandals 
are upon us; until the Selan and the Hun, with 
anarchy in their hearts and dynamite in their 
pockets; the Malay and the Hottentot out of 
the blackness of heathen darkness have only 
to abide a little while among us to become the 
political peers of the sons of Pilgrim and of 
Cavalier, dowered with his inestimable privi- 
lege of the ballot. 

Notwthstanding the wrenching of the gov- 
ernment from constitutional limitation, out of 
the necessity of circumstance and situation, it 
has prospered, for around the young republic 
as it rose upon its radiant way was woven 
every advantage of earth, air and sea. The 
primeval youth and beauty of the world was 



88 

l^rought in contact with all the forces of an ad- 
vanced civilization; a virgin empire stretching 
from northern ice to tropic bloom, lay under 
the control of a people sprung from the might- 
iest race that has dwelt upon the planet since 
the morning stars first sang together. What 
wonder, then, that we have waxed mighty and 
prevailed? Now, thoughtful students of 
events are questioning if the day be not near 
when our triumphal march shall cease and se- 
rious account be rendered of the manner 
wherewith we have used our gifts. However 
much the fundamental code of a country may 
be outraged, it is as yet stricken by no mortal 
sickness if the morality of the people share not 
in the political decline. 

Bad rulers and unwise legislation may for 
a season cripple such a people's strength, but 
in the very speed of the people's malady, as 
shown by the English people in every great 
city of their history, she will wrest from their 



89 

heart of righteousness such medicine as will 
cure the State's most grievous wound. 

And so it is not so much from the perver- 
sion of the Constitution as from the increasing- 
demoralization of the people that the Ameri- 
can republic is endangered. Nor to the foster- 
ing of all the higher elements of a nation's life 
are the energies of our people bent. If free- 
dom live or freedom die, '' put money in thy 
purse," is the potent watchword of our time, 
and the desire to accumulate vast fortunes 
suddenly is the strongest passion that ani- 
mates American society; while fierce competi- 
tion and fiercer bribery are the forces that are 
rapidly moulding our public and priv-ate rela- 
tions. The patient toil of the olden time has 
become unendurable — its results far too re- 
mote. The delirium of speculation has not 
been equalled since John Law flashed in the 
dazzled eyes of Europe the fantastic and 
elusive glories of the South Sea bubble. 

Defalcations by men occupying positions of 



90 

trust are so common as hardly to excite a rip- 
ple of surprise, and only accentuate the fever- 
ish existence of the sentiment — " whether the 
republic stand or fall "put money in thy purse. 
Resultant from the national disease comes 
the chief danger which threatens, and which, 
like a corroding- canker, is eating into the very 
principle that subtends the theory of our na- 
tional existence. In my judgment, every 
other peril which confronts our government 
pales into insignificance when compared with 
the widespread and acknowledged use of 
money to influence the elections, the ever-in- 
creasing debauchment of American suffrage. 
Not only is the use of money on the politics 
of this country more apparent every year, but 
equally apparent and startling is the country's 
acquiescence in the crime; and men whose 
pulses beat a few years ago leaped with pas- 
sionate indignation against its mere sugges- 
tion now witness with tolerance, if not ap- 
proval, the freemen of America branded like 



91 

cattle and their holiest birthright sold in the 
open market of their shame. Political im- 
moralities are sought to be justified by the 
false philosophy that the devil must be fought 
with fire. The infamous sophism that the end 
justifies the means takes stronger hold upon 
the public mind every year, and while a lead- 
ing senator of the United States declares from 
his seat that anything is justifiable in morals 
or in law to compass the defeat of an adver- 
sary; another no less distinguished announces 
that the political purity in America is an " iri- 
descent dream." The result of such theories 
carefully distilled into the people has thus far 
been that the laws against bribery pa'ssed in 
the days of a tenderer public conscience have 
become the merest blots upon the statute- 
books, that no political party here, however 
pure its principles, can hope for success at the 
polls without a liberal use of what is known 
in the slang of the lobby and caucus as the 
sinews of war; that systematic organization 



92 

for bribery has become so strong a factor in 
the machinery of the parties that the raising 
of great fortunes for purposes of corruption 
at the polls has been rewarded by promotion 
to the highest offices in the government; that 
we have been compelled to coin a new word 
for a strange growth in the country of the free, 
and the term " boodler " now typifies a class 
of men who make a business of obtaining po- 
litical power only to sell it; that born leaders 
of men are repressed to private life because 
unable and unwilling to endure the financial 
strain of the elections; that as the integrity 
of the mass weakens the power of the mo- 
nopoly strengthens, and the cruelties of asso- 
ciated capital gall more bitterly every day 
while the rights of the citizens, when set 
against them, are withering away, and the 
very life blood of the republican system is 
ebbing away in the golden tide. All along 
the highways of the centuries are strewn the 
wrecks of power and principalities that per- 



93 

ished when liberty came to be measured by 
golden coins. Shall these examples teach 
America nothing, or shall this people sell 
themselves into a bondage, from which they 
may break at last through blood and tears to 
attempt the desperate experiment of discard- 
ing all forms of government? Who shall say 
that if the pollution of our politics shall con- 
tinue until bringing to one level the briber and 
the bribed, it has poisoned the soul of the 
citizen and shackled his body in limitations 
of laws that daily increase the burdens of the 
poor, the splendors of the rich? Who shall 
say that in the fulness of time he will not rage 
against such a government and society until 
a continent tremble beneath the delirium of 
a people who take anarchy for their god and 
their deliverers glorify the men who are upon 
the barricades? The use of money to the 
abasement of power was no custom of the men 
who carried the message of the university 
abroad in the times gone by. The old South, 



94 

the baronial South, the South of the old plan- 
tation, has passed away — is dead everlastingly, 
and over her grave the tears have been wept 
and the flowers strewn, and the sod has grown 
green, and the story is ended on earth forever- 
more. Doubtless she had her faults and fol- 
lies, but thanks be to Him who, if He gave 
not the victory, lifted her w^ith honor's star 
undimmed upon her dying brow! No man 
can trace with truth the custom of prostituting 
the franchise with money to her door, for pa- 
triotism ran like a golden thread through her 
raiment, and love for the Constitution, to 
which she had furnished the chief inspiration, 
lay at the core of her heart, and when she 
blended her crucifixion and apotheosis at Ap- 
pomattox, if she left nothing else, she left a 
heritage of unspotted public morality to all 
her sons who had not died around her flag. 
The sentiment which characterized her people, 
the fierce chastity of honor which found its 
greatest example in the character of Washing- 



95 

ton and blossomed to perfect beauty in the 
soul of Robert Edward Lee, was nurtured by, 
if, indeed, it was not born, in the institution 
of slavery; and though that institution is gone 
forever, and I, for one, have no wish to recall 
it, and, though by operation of the deadliest 
crime in the history of the world, the manu- 
mitted slave of yesterday is to-day the sover- 
eign suffragist, yet must its influence, reach- 
ing down the years and linking us as with in- 
visible chords of love and memory to the old 
spirit." 

The recent marvellous material advance of 
the South comprises the most glowing page 
of our industrious story. She is leaping to the 
front, and it is hardly exaggeration to say that 
already the smoke of her chimneys shatter the 
noontide suns; the flame of her forges whiten 
the midnight skies. Within her valleys and 
along her hillsides, and in her cities, the air is 
choral with music of her progress. In the 
heart of her wildernesses are magic cities 



springing; from the womb of her mountains 
is being wrested the wealth that has lain sleep- 
ing through the centuries, and in the wake of 
the pick and the tunnelling spade rush steam 
and electricity, the standard-bearers of the 
mighty industrial empire that is coming on. 
But honor and patriotism — the sworded sera- 
phim that should guard the portals of this 
storied land — are they not being blinded by 
the glitter and the glow, while political bribery 
and low methods glide through our gate, 
bringing the blight of a deadly moral miasma 
to dim our splendor and to wreck our hope? 

The crime of enfranchisement of the negro 
does not necessitate the use of money to pre- 
serve the ascendancy of the Anglo-Saxon 
race. Who shall undermine God's handiwork? 
That raised supremacy which His hand hath 
writ so plain, that He who runs may read, can 
never be overthrown by any human agency. 
It is a natural law, as fixed and immutable as 
those by which are governed the order of the 



97 

seasons or the process of the suns, and which 
all the legislation that faction ever fashioned, 
backed by every bayonet that ever gleamed 
beneath the fiags of tyranny, can neither alter 
nor obliterate nor control. 

If through future years of feverish debauch- 
ment of the most sacred and fundamental of 
its principles the American republic shall con- 
tinue to hold its place among the nations, then 
on this western continent will have been re- 
served all the experiences of men, all the 
oracles of God. 

There is but one way to preserve our heri- 
tage, and that is by hedging the American 
ballot around with such a sentiment- as shall 
make it the one thing on the earth that not 
even money shall have value enough to buy, 
by keeping the crown and sceptre of the 
noblest sovereignty given among men un- 
spotted from the world. It may not even be 
our generation's fate to shed its blood or 
spend its lives on fields where '' glorious rec- 



98 

orcls leap to light and shine in the sudden 
making of splendid names." We may not, as 
our fathers did, feel the leap responsive to 
the voice of freedom through the battle cheer- 
ing on her sons, whatever sacrifices we may 
be called upon to make for her must doubtless 
all be made by the waters and in the fields, 
" thick studded with the calm, white tents of 
peace," yet, after all, the most enduring victo- 
ries of men — those which have been followed 
by most blessings and benefit to humanity — 
have neither been wrested from the pageantry 
of war, nor won amid the declamation of pop- 
ular senators. The shop of the mechanic, the 
store of the merchant, the fields of the farmer, 
simple and humble homes of the toiling mil- 
lions — these are the bloodless fields where the 
battle for the preservation of our system must 
be fought; these are the legislative halls where 
a decisive vote between the greed of gain and 
the passion of patriotism must seal our com- 
mon destiny; these are the unbannered Hsts 



99 

where since time began, liberty hath made her 
most heroic and enduring struggle, and where 
the ceaseless warfare must go on until the 
dawning of that day seen far off in the apoca- 
lyptic vision, when the Lamb of God shall take 
the sins of the world away. 

" Therefore, my countrymen, if Henry 
Grady's splendid dream be true, that on our 
soil the hand of God hath sown the seed of 
his millennial harvest, although our mortal 
eyes may see not, when the seed are garnered 
home, oh, surely those who have followed 
these fields for his glory by setting virtue 
higher than power and loving liberty more 
than lust shall answer, ' Lord, hei;e am I,' 
when the eternal muster roll is called." 



A PILGRIMAGE TO WINNIE'S TOMB. 



A '' veteran " smiles, whilst the nation \vee[>, 
That you are not dead, but only sleep; 
Angels hover o'er thy tomb, I hear. 
And sometimes bathe it with a tear . 

Away from care, you've gone to rest ; 
^^'e know that you are more than bless'd, 
And would not trade your streets of gold 
For any down here, in the cold. 

There was a time, we hoped you'd live. 
Not yow' life to the '"' Lost Cause " give; 
But human hopes are tinged with fears. 
And ofttimes wash'd away with tears. 

The world was once all light to me. 

And then, sweet hope it lighter made; 

In each fair form I thought to see 

Beauties that would not fade, 
[looj 



lOI 

In each fair flower that softly bloomed 
So lovely to the gazer's eye, 
I little thought that they were doomed 
To wither and to die. 

As mind matnrer grew with years, 
Experience sadly taught to me 
That human hopes are tinged with fears- 
Lost in Eternity. 

Yours Truly 
November 13, 1899. 



o. Dvn. a-iLLTj^s/di, 

— ^MANUFACTURER OF THE 

Jlerfet^t ^eg! Eed Spring 

213 NORTH FIFTH STREET, 

Cbtarlottesville, Va.. 



PHONE, No. 425 



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If You Want to Save MONEY on 

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Everything in nwn 

CHINA, GLASSWARE, 
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DEC 19 1899 



